Faith and fear are dancing.
Sometimes, boxing would be a better metaphor.
Joseph and I believe strongly that God has called us to adopt, and we believe that He wants us on that journey NOW. So, we’re taking tiny baby steps of faith, praying for His leading, begging for peace and strength.
We’re in the waiting phase now, particularly with the private agency (we still have a long road with DSS). There aren’t as many pressing items on our to do list. Close to 98% of the items from our yard sale have been cleared out (all but a stack of items we’re trying to sell online). Our house feels big and clean and quiet. So, so quiet.
In the midst of the emptiness and the quiet, I’m faced with the reality of my fears. Fears I don’t like admitting are there. I’d much rather put on a smile and tell you all I’m trusting God 100%. But I try not to be a liar.
So, I’m going to put it all out there: I’m scared.
I’m scared of the adoption process. The agencies. The emails, both the ones that are popping up in my inbox and the ones that aren’t. The paperwork and the idea of being evaluated.
I’m scared that no one will pick us to parent their children. This is like standing in the high school cafeteria, hoping and praying to spot someone who tolerates me and will let me enjoy my plate of rice and gravy and my sweet tea next to her … but worse.
I’m scared we’ll end up with the “wrong” children, which sounds so silly, because I believe in the sovereignty of God.
I’m scared we won’t raise enough money, that we’ll have to go into debt I’m scared we can’t afford.
I’m scared of the silence as we wait to hear from God.
I’m scared of the waiting, especially since I don’t know how long the wait will be. Truthfully, I’m scared of myself during the waiting. I know how my heart is prone to wander, where I’m tempted to sin.
So, in the waiting, I’m attempting to confront the fears with Truth.
God has worked out every detail of my life and Joseph’s life to get us to the point where we’re waiting to be matched with our future children. He has worked out every detail (already) of the adoption process. He knows our children. He knows we will be their parents. He knows how many hairs are going to be on their precious heads and even how many dimples will frame their sweet smiles. He is still knitting them together in their birth mother’s womb, and I pray He keeps knitting until they’re full term. (See Romans 8 and Psalm 139.) Because I’m not carrying these babies myself, sometimes I feel disconnected from these truths. I have to remind myself of them.
God isn’t intimidated by the financial aspect of adoption. His eyes don’t bug out, and His jaw doesn’t hit the floor when He sees the cost of a private adoption. God simply does not look at money the way we do. (Side note: if you’d love to listen to a fantastic series on financial stewardship, look here.) He has always provided for us, and I trust He always will, even if the way He chooses to provide isn’t what I expected. Philippians 4:19 comes to mind: “And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” I love that phrase “according to His riches.” According to His, not mine. That takes some pressure off.
The waiting. Ah. Waiting. Not my favorite activity. I know there is a purpose for waiting, often many purposes. Growth tends to happen in the midst of waiting. I hugged Joseph the other day and said, “I have a lot of growing to do, so we’re going to have to wait a long time! I’m sorry!” He just laughed and said we all have a lot of growing to do. True. I probably have a little more growing than he does, though. ;O)
As we’ve been reading through the psalms this year, I’ve encountered the word “wait” more times than I’ve enjoyed. I wanted verses that told me God would start our family quickly. Instead, I found many verses that spoke of waiting for the Lord. So, I did what any good Bible scholar would do: I went to biblegateway.com and searched for “wait” in the New Testament. There was probably something there that would say what I wanted, right? I was blessed by what I found. There were no verses telling me I’d receive an email this week from the adoption agency with the perfect match for our family. Instead, there were several verses that talked about waiting for the return of Jesus.
All of this – the two years of not being pregnant, the years of feeling left behind, the joy of starting the adoption process, the pillow talks about baby names and nursery paint colors, the conversations with adoptive families about their parts of HIS story, the moment someone places the squishiest of babies into our arms – all of this is happening so we will look to Jesus. All of it. When He returns, I want to be found among “those who are eagerly waiting for Him” (Hebrews 9:28). And so, I must end this post with Hebrews 12:1-3, so delightfully paraphrased in The Message:
Do you see what this means – all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we’d better get on with it. Strip down, start running – and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on JESUS, who both began and finished the race we’re in. Study how He did it. Because He never lost sight of where He was headed – that exhilarating finish in and with God – He could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now He’s there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility He plowed through. THAT will shoot adrenaline into your souls!